Paradise by the flashdrive
by Scorpina
Summary: What happens when the most computer litterate superstars attempt to teach one who is computer illiterate? You'll never guess who it is!...
1. Chapter 1

Paradise by the flash drive

Humor story, I just thought it would be funny to write if someone in the WWE was completely clueless as to how to use a computer. I make no claim in saying they do, this is just to be a funny story as to what would happen if they didn't know anything about it, and the brave souls that try to teach the clueless superstar as to how to use it!

Chapter 1- Logging on

"I still say you are wasting your time, what the hell makes you think I need to learn this crap?"

"You will need to learn it, so sit your ass down and turn it on"

A blank expression came from the man sitting; he stared at what was before him and back to his friend. "You… you do know how to turn it on right?"

"You're the one teaching me about computers"

"Oh God, I am going to need backup on this"

"Kane, what the hell man. What's the big deal? I don't use a computer so why does it matter that I learn now!"

"You learn now so I don't have to teach you later Taker! Things are changing, if McMahon e-mails a memo, how the hell are you going to read it? Let alone open it. Vince has assigned me to teach you how to work a computer and by God you are going to learn how damn it!"

Kane was also silently thinking to himself. "How the hell did I get stuck teaching him?"

The screen turned on the computer after Kane explained to the Deadman to push the button on the keyboard. Matt Hardy had left them his laptop for the time being. The screen became bright and made an odd tune. Taker slowly stared to Kane. "It's suppose to sing" Kane told the Deadman. "Ok, let's send an e-mail"

"How? It says press any key to continue and I don't see no damn any key Kane"

With a roll of the eyes, Kane pressed the space bar. "Any key means you press any key on the keyboard Deadman. Ok now click on that E in the corner"

Taker stares at the computer, "What the hell does it do?"

"Brings you to the internet"

"Oh hell now, I ain't going on the net! There are freaks out there!"

Kane began to rub his hands over his face roughly in frustration. "Unless you blab to everyone that you're the Undertaker, you're pretty much safe Deadman. Now get your ass on the Internet!"

Taker sneers as he reluctantly double clicks the E. A large white screen pops up, startling him at first, until the window automatically opened to hotmail?"

"E-mail account, second lesson. We're going to make one for you"

"Nothing obvious"

"Well duh! That's the whole point for us. You don't see Orlando Bloom posting his e-mail address now do you?"

"What the hell does Orlando Bloom have anything to do with the Internet?"

"Just think if a damn name for it already!"

Kane already shook his head, wondering if he got himself in too deep this time with the Deadman


	2. Chapter 2 The name

Chapter 2- The name

After filling out the hotmail application using fake location such as Jabronie Drive, 90210. Taker sat there pondering a name for his e-mail address. "What about druid?" he asked Kane.

"No, we want something not particularly associated with you. Besides it's more than likely already taken"

"How can it be taken? I just thought of it"

"People have been doing this long before you Deadman! Now think of another name" Kane walked around the Undertaker, trying to see if he is starting to understand the process of an e-mail address.

"I don't know!" he sighed as his hands went up in frustration. "You pick a name!"

"My pretty pony" smirked Kane.

"Not funny man!"

"No one would assume it's you if it's my pretty pony!"

"I ain't getting no pony in my name!"

"Ok, ok. What else can we use…." Just then Triple H walked by, he peered into the room and looked perplexed. "HUNTER! Come in and help me out here!" Kane said with a devious grin.

Hunter tried to sneak his way out of it, but Kane grabbed onto his arm and refused to let go. "You're going to help me damn it!" Kane whispered into his ear. "Now help the Deadman and I think of an e-mail name for him"

Hunter rolled his eyes and thought it over. "Have you tried my pretty pony?"

"Oh shut up already with that!" Taker hissed bitterly.

Hunter turned to Kane. "Can I speak with your 'brother' for a moment Deadman?"

"Go ahead, I'll wait here" Taker sighed as he stared at the computer screen.

Hunter took hold of Kane and dragged him out of the locker room; he closed the door so the Undertaker wouldn't hear them. "Why the hell are you dragging me into this! I don't know much about computers you know!"

"Look, I need help in showing him how to use a computer, Vince's orders. As his son in law, you are obligated to help me"

"WHAT!" Hunter demanded.

"Either you help me, or get someone who can!"

Triple H thought over it for a moment, until a brilliant idea stuck. "Give me five minutes," he pleaded.

"How can I trust you will come back? Let alone find someone who will help me with this?" However Kane quickly found the answer. "You know that story…." The big red Machine grinned.

Hunter's eyes widened. "You wouldn't!"

"I know many websites, and I know how to post!"

"I'll find someone! I swear it! Just don't post any of it!" Hunter pleaded as he ran down the hall in search of an assistant for Kane.

Kane ventured back into the room and saw the Deadman had actually made an account! "My God, you did it? What did you do? Summon a druid to make an account for you? What name did you come up with?"

Taker smirked. "Oh haha on the druid Kane. But I figured out a name…"

Kane looked to the computer and saw the name. He rolled his eyes laughing. Deadman, nice" Kane laughed.

"So what where you and Hunter talking about in the hall?"

"Oh… well one of the guys is going to help me show you a few things on the computer. There are some out there better than me…" Just then, there was a knock at the door. "Speak of the devil. By the way, you picked a good password right for your e-mail?" Kane asked.

"Password?" Taker questioned.

Kane rolled his eyes it was a huge step back. Taker didn't put in a password; he just typed random buttons to move on to the next screen! Kane quickly went to answer the door to see who Hunter found to help him teach the Deadman a new trick…


	3. Chapter 3 Help on the way

Chapter 3- Help has arrived.

Kane opened the door and was shocked to see JBL standing before him. JBL was equally as surprised as Kane. "Hunter… Hunter told me there was an investment meeting with McMahon here" he whispered lowly in hopes of not offending the big red monster. Kane however smiled a devious grin.

"Oh there's an investment opportunity here Bradshaw, come on in" Kane's grip became a vice like one as he dragged Poor Bradshaw into the locker room. He shut the door shortly after and locked it. Bradshaw gulped his pride as he saw who was before him and what he was doing.

"Oh God no, please Kane! Slam me to hell, but not this!" he pleaded.

"You are going to help me damn it, even if it kills you. Now, help the Deadman make a new e-mail address. Because he only typed in random letters for his password" Kane ordered.

Bradshaw sighed as he ventured over to the Undertaker. The Deadman has gotten the jiffs of using a computer. Yet needed to remember a password was important if one were to ever use it properly. However JBL was able to save the e-mail address Taker had chosen, the Deadman explained the buttons he pushed were the ones under his right hand only. It took twenty minutes for Bradshaw to figure out what was pushed in order to save the password. He wrote down the sequence and gave it to the Deadman. "Next time, make sure the letters mean something" Bradshaw pleaded. "Well I did my bit, I am out of here" He was about to leave until Kane stood in the doorway, blocking its path out.

"I'm taking a coffee break. You stay here and show Taker how to surf the web" Kane ordered.

"Surf? I don't surf damn it!"

"Oh dear God" Bradshaw whispered. He knew Kane was setting him up for a major fall. The big red machine left, as Bradshaw was now alone with the computer literate Deadman!

In the hall

Kane went to grab the biggest cup he could find. He took the coffee more straight than usual. He rested against the wall and gently began letting his head bounce off the brick. His more than odd behavior did not go unnoticed. Matt Hardy saw the troubled man and approached with caution. "You ok Kane?"

Kane's head shook no as he leaned over the coffee table. "The man can go old school, burn up in a casket, buried alive and summon druids and yet… he can't turn on a damn computer!"

Matt knew instantly what he was talking about. "I know, back in his American Badass days. I tried to show him how to play FreeCell on my laptop"

"How did that go?"

"Not so well, he couldn't figure out how to move the cards on the screen" Matt sighed. "I feel your pain"

"For once" Kane muttered.

Matt knew he shouldn't have said it, yet he felt so bad for Kane… perhaps… perhaps he could be of some assistance. "How about I help you?"

The Monster's eyes widened in great shock, slowly he turned to Hardy, surprised. "You… You're willing to help me?"

"You got me pass the level in Hitman, it's the least I can do! God knows it would have taken me forever to! What do you say?"

Kane smiled as he took the young Hardy under his arm. "This may be the start of a great friendship Hardy"

Matt however shuttered at the words, he knew now, he's gotten himself in too deep. If Kane was being this nice to Matt just for assisting him with the Deadman, only God knows what horrors awaited the young Hardy.


	4. Chapter 4 The Hardy Factor

Chapter 4- The Hardy factor.

The moment did Matt and Kane arrive at the locker room door did Matt sense it. That dread in the air, not to mention the fear that lay beyond the walls. Kane opened the door as JBL rushed out of the room scream. Taker was in quick pursuit. "Wait! You didn't tell me what the three Ws stood for!" Taker called out after him. Yet it was no use. Bradshaw had left the building.

Matt's eyes turned to Kane worried about the task. Kane only patted him on the back. "We're in this together Hardy boy"

Taker looked down at the now newest assistant. "Oh… Hardy. Why didn't you ask him before to help us?" Taker demanded.

"Well, I got a blog to keep up" Matt explained gently.

"Don't matter, now come on in and show me about this… www thing"

Matt and Kane entered in the locker room. Taker had placed the computer back onto the desk and sat in front of it. Kane began to sense enjoyment the Deadman was having at the expense of others. He's installing a new fear into those who dare try and teach him about a computer.

However Matt was quite good at what he was doing. He told the Deadman about the three Ws when putting in an address. Matt knew to play the sites towards Taker's interests like boxing and what not.

The Deadman caught on quicker this time and began to surf on his own for some time. Matt however gave Taker a stern warning. "Do not post any information about yourself on there. Not unless the site is trustworthy, understand?" Matt explained.

"Why?" Taker questioned.

"People make up fake websites and steal your identity, they can do that by taking the credit card numbers, from there they can go to down as the Deadman. Be sure to also watch your spelling. If you misspell something, it can accidentally take you to a porn site."

"I'm sure you've done that quite abit Matt" Taker smirked.

Matt rolled his eyes and continued on with the lesson. He showed Taker his myspace page and explained how he worked that. "My blogs are some of the most read ones on this place. Not to mention I got a large fan base on here. It's rather cool. Kane had quite a few for the See No Evil site"

"Yeah, but…" Kane bit his tongue, not going to confess that he never went on the myspace page at all! He may have written a few blogs, yet never has he posted them.

Taker was intrigued with how the Internet worked, he began to surf on his own with the hell of Google. Matt was rather proud of himself that he got to get the Deadman on net. Kane too was rather greatful for it. They turned their backs to Taker as they walked out of the locker room congratulating each other for surviving the task. "You have no idea how many lives you saved there Matt"

"Lives?"

"All those who I would beat the tar out of when Taker wasn't listening to me. The built up frustration harboring in my soul…"

"I get the idea" Matt smirked. "If Taker wants to use my computer a while longer, I'm cool with that. Just remember I got a lot of stuff on there…"

Just then, Taker's head peered out the doorway. "Yeah… what happens if the computer screen goes blue all of a sudden?" he asked.

Matt's face drained of color….


	5. Chapter 5 The blue screen END

Chapter 5 – The blue screen.

Matt rushed back into the locker room; he turned to his computer and saw it was indeed a blue screen… the dreaded blue screen of death. "Is this a bad thing?" Taker asked of Kane.

Matt sat down at the chair as he stared blankly to the screen. Kane's hands waved in front of him as he tried to get the young Hardy to snap out of it. "Matt? Hello? Matt?" nothing. He shook him hard by taking hold of his shoulders; Matt jostled and jolted yet still no reaction.

"I need a break from this, I getting some coffee," Taker announced as he walked from the room. Kane swore he saw a smile curved the Deadman's lips. Kane turned back to Matt, who was now trying to utter out some words.

"He… He…"

"Not only is he the reaper of souls, he's the reaper of hard drives as well, who knew?" Kane asked.

"All of my pictures were on there… my reality TV show… my dog's birthday photos! Kane… it's all gone!" Matt yelled.

Kane tried to think of something. "Have you tried control alt delete?"

"KANE! THIS IS THE BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH! EVERYTHING IS GONE!" Matt yelled, the look of anger in his eyes nearly sent Kane out of the locker room terrified. Matt had the look of a pissed off Undertaker. "Everything… is gone"

Before Matt left, Kane looked to the ground by the desk Taker worked at. He leaded down and picked up another computer from the ground. "Matt?" Kane called.

Hardy paused in the doorway, yet didn't bother to turn around. "What? Did it explode too?"

"That ain't your computer that went blue in the screen"

Matt turned as Kane showed him the computer that was on the ground. He opened it up and checks… it was Matt's computer! Yet there was an odd message in his e-mail. "Open me" he whispered. Looking at the name of the address, Matt was skeptical. "Whose eyes widened. "That's Taker's e-mail!"

Matt opened the message; there was an attachment to it. No viruses so he downloaded it. Setting the computer onto the table, Kane and Matt watched as a video appeared. It was dark at first… until the Undertaker came into view. He smiled wickedly to the screen. "Just because I've been here a longer time and any of you… it doesn't me I don't know how to use a damn computer" he did his infamous eye roll before the screen went dark and the video ended.

Matt stared at Kane as Kane stared at Matt. Both men were puzzled and confused. "He's been messing with us all along?" Matt whispered.

"Yeah… the mind games continue with the Deadman" Kane sighed. He closed the laptop as he stared at the other computer. "I wonder whose that is though?"

JBL came back into the room. "Has anyone seen my computer? Oh there it is!" he came in and took his now broken laptop away. Matt Hardy and Kane kept a tight lip as he walked out.

"We never speak of this" Matt whispered.

"Not a word Hardy boy"

In an instant, Matt Hardy awoke in a cold sweat, looking about the room he realized he was at home… in his own home… his laptop was on the desk still near his dresser… It was a dream! Falling back onto the bed with a deep sigh of relief. Matt cleared the swear from his brow. "Oh thank God" he muttered to himself. He didn't feel tired anymore and decided to check his e-mail. The strangest dream he had ever had would no doubt be one for the record books… as long as he didn't tell the Deadman what it was about.

Matt opened to his account and saw there were no new messages… however… he had to pinch himself to be sure… this wasn't a dream…. At the top of the list of his e-mails, he read aloud the address. 'wherestheanykey….' He paused as he turned off his computer. "I think I will skip the computer for the next little while' he uttered to himself….


End file.
